I’m not gonna lie. I’ve been feeling pretty lethargic in life lately. Lazy, lazy, lazy.
I guess that’s what happens when you are hauling two babies around in your belly at 31 weeks. Already, I am probably almost the size of a full term mama about to give birth, so that’s understandable, right? The hard part is, unlike that 40 week mama, I have about 5 more weeks to go! Well, hopefully.
It is starting to feel like all my energy, even all my food, is going to these babies. I don’t seem to benefit too much from what I eat, unless of course it is the sweet taste of candy corn that I love so much this time of year. 🙂 I am sure the girls are loving it too. (Start ’em early, that’s my motto. Ha!)
My husband has been describing my new state of exhaustion like the last 6 miles of a marathon. That’s a pretty good analogy.
We knew it was going to be hard at the end, and now the end is here. Getting a little more emotional and a lot more exhausted. Like those last 6 grueling miles of a marathon when you want to give up, stop running, throw up, or collapse. For me it would be more like, “when you want to stop waddling, take Tums, and sit in a comfy chair and never get up.”
Tending to others needs is hard right now. Patience is thin and my middle is thick. Round. Robust. Sometimes my clothes can seem to hide my belly (a little anyway), but I had a moment the other day when I looked in the mirror and thought the thing protruding from my middle looked a little alien-esk. Yea, there’s two babies in there. It’s still very hard to believe.
I sometimes find myself too lazy to even open my Bible, or read a book, or do something productive with my mind. I find myself playing candy crush instead. I never do that. I don’t even really like those games. But there is something mind numbing about playing it. (Not that it’s simple –sheesh!).
When I am like this, it’s easy for me to feel like I am being a disobedient child of God. That He is disappointed, underwhelmed with my contribution to society, to His Kingdom, to His people, to my family. And I love it so much when others come along side me and remind that He is far from disappointed.
Because here’s the good news, He loves me unconditionally, no matter what I do or don’t do. He knows everything about me. He knows how I am feeling. And even though He came to earth as a man, I believe He knows what it’s like to be pregnant, to create life (perhaps this is why He rested on the 7th day! Haha). He, after all, is responsible for these little lives growing inside of me. He has plans for them, and for me. He is full of love, and grace, and truth. And He is full of compassion.
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Psalm 103:14, “For He knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.”
So there it is. He already knows how weak I am. And He loves me anyway.
And here’s some more good news. Reinforcements have arrived! My mom is here!! 🙂 Darrell has been an amazing help, but it is such a refreshment to have her here to help wash, organize, decorate, shop and do all those last minute little things that I am having less and less energy to do. And to have her company, her wisdom. The comforts of a mother are endless. 🙂 I am very grateful.
So all we’ve got to do now is check and few more things off My List (my list is a pretty big deal) and hang in there for about 5 more weeks. And of course, trust in God’s unfailing love and unending grace. Amen!